Insecure from insecurities

Somedays, I look in the mirror and see I am insecure. I am insecure on the outside and the inside. I am insecure in my environment, my job, my life path. But you know what has grounded me? God.

I think back to two years ago when I was moving to Grand Island, Nebraska. I was insecure with the move. I was insecure with the challenge in front of me with a new territory, coworkers and endeavors.

I moved anyway.

One year ago, marked a full year with the job under my belt. I was still insecure, just in different ways. I was uncertain where life was taking me, had just finished my first bodybuilding competition and was seeking strength beyond what I had before.

I kept pushing on with the grind.

About six months ago, God’s plan took a sharp right turn in the road. I was insecure on what it meant, how I could fit into his plan and do the right things. It is now that I realize I was doing it all wrong. 

He is the one in charge of the plan.

I can still remain insecure each day. However, rather than attempting to “fit” to the plan, I will act on it. I will be open-minded, focused and optimistic. I will identify the little cues and signs shared along the way. Above all, I will praise and be grateful.

I have become more receptive and aware of people, places and things. For example, today, while driving down the road, I had the notion to reach out to a friend I had not talked to in months. Frankly, I had done a poor job of communicating and was unfair to her. We connected with a phone call and it was heartwarming to her how well she is doing and all the opportunities she has at her fingertips! I would not have missed out on so much if I would have done a better job of staying in touch. As I reflect on my seclusive actions, I know I was insecure. Furthermore, I was insecure with my insecurities.

This is not a good excuse and I acknowledge that. When I am depressed, saddened or full of confusion and contemplation, I shut down. I close myself off. I become insecure that I don’t really know what I am doing, what I want or how I should act. I felt like others might judge my character if I did not seem like I had it all together. I was wrong once more.

The only one whose judgement matters is God’s. I realize now I had a meager relationship with Him. I am working to improve this each and every day. Rather than close myself off, I need to push myself to be around people and share and communicate. I know it will not cure all insecurities. But, it is a step in learning and revealing the true me.

Not only has it been difficult to acknowledge this myself, but I am seeing that in my grandmother. She is a woman I’ve know to be filled with confidence, faith and love. Today, as she suffers from physical and mental ailments, I can see the insecurity in her eyes. It pains me to watch the vibrance fade in her face when she cannot recall an organization I’m involved with or what happened the day before. She is just as insecure that her memory is waning as I am about my future.

Watching someone you love experience something so difficult brings life into a new perspective. I know I should not be apprehensive or concerned, as life is in God’s hands. My grandmother has had many life experiences and although she is struggling, I know she still is blessed. My friend is also blessed with challenges that could lead into opportunities.

As we each learn of our insecurities, it is OK to acknowledge them. Just continue to press on and know, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).